Run

Torn from inside and cast into flame

Burnt at birth and baptised in pain

Claw through some semblance

Some version of what should be done

I cannot face this

This never should have begun

Light up

Light up

As if you have a choice

It’s funny how some things never let us go

Or maybe just tragic?

Maybe its all just for show

My cracked and blistered feet

Take baby steps all the way

Bloodied tears and permanent fears

Shredded scars all here to stay

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I am right beside you dear

Sometimes I get taken aback

By just how much I hate you

By just how much I want to hurt

To cast you out and desert you

To call the titans from the sky

And drive a stake through your heart

To desecrate all that you are

To end that what you had no right to start

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I am sculpted by your heresy

Trussed up by your tragedy

Defined by your depravity

Given substance by your animosity

Chained by your rejection

Falsified by your projection

Beaten by your derision

Still you never see me cry

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

The wheel of time will always turn

And I will always disappear

Feathers fall from broken wings

Your spectre always near

I cannot be you

However much you beg

I will always disappoint you

And one day, this might end

Here we go again....

Oooooh fundamentalists make me cross! They really really do! Why the pagan community cannot see why it is such a laughing stock amongst religious groups (or indeed, any societal group) is beyond me, when it insists on publishing clap trap!

OK, some semblance of calm is required I feel.

My gripe is against White & Talboys’ “The Path through the Forest – A Druid Guidebook”. Now, before I start, I will admit that I have not gotten beyond page 55, and this is not an attack on the information presented on Celtic beliefs, Celtic history, or the Druid Tradition as it was then or now. My concern lies with lines such as the following:

“The current dominant metaphysic is extremely aggressive, perpetuating itself through violence rather than rightness”

Uh-huh. Last time I checked there was no absolute universal definition of ‘rightness’. Rightness is a human created concept, and what is right varies according to the societal values and norms within a culture during any specific time period. Once upon a time it was ‘right’ to behead criminals in front of hundreds of spectators. It was ‘right’ to burn thousands of men and woman at the stake in the name of heresy. Countries have been invaded, wars started, thousands killed, in the name of ‘what is right’ for eons. And I shall point out here, that the Celts were subject to the same rules of survival as all other tribal peoples. They killed, they maimed, they conquered. They committed acts of violence then, just as we do now.

Anyhow, moan over semantics over. But, and I have mentioned this before, people are too quick to bend language to suit their own ends. Think before you type people!

Also:

“Suffice it to say that scientific materialism (the current dominant metaphysic) turned more natural and more balanced forms of seeing the world inside out, whilst also introducing biases that favoured certain sections of human society over others and human society as a whole (the World) over everything else”

Soooooo. Science, has caused the current worldview that we humans are at the top of the foodchain and have the right to plunder Gaia to our hearts content.

Let me remind you of a little line in Genesis, the Bible. Written a very, very long time ago, before the scientific revolution in fact! *gasp*

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

The bible! Not science, the bible! States that man rules over the earth and all that was in it! Christianity has been teaching the West that we are the big shots at least since Constantine 1 converted the Roman Empire to the religion in the year 312CE! Christianity was infiltrating the then accepted pagan religions probably for years and years previous to its official acceptance!

Natural science, mathematics, physics, medicine, all have been studied using critical thinking (albeit closely entwined with theology, the two were pretty much as one back then) since the classical ages in Ancient Greece and in the Middle East. But I don’t think the authors are criticising these great nations when they decide to launch their attack on ‘scientific materialism’

Science, does not promote violence.

Science has freed us from the constraints of religious superstition and tyranny. It has allowed us to travel the earth and beyond. It has allowed us to cure that would have once certainly killed. It has allowed the developments of technologies that bring us closer to universal truth than ever before. It has shown us how wonderful this earth really is. Science promotes understanding, and greater understanding allows for greater positive change.

Scientific enquiry is not the enemy here. We have been a nasty violent species for a long time prior to science. The problem is that we use science incorrectly. We have used it to flaunt the earth’s resources, caused death on a tremendous scale. Our ability to be greedy, viscious, selfish and plain unpleasant have nothing to do with science. We do that all ourselves. The evolution of a hugely complex and sensitive brain results in a multitude of emotional and sensory responses. It allows for the greatest flexibility and degree of opportunistic behaviour. We have evolved to be the ultimate opportunist. We have willingly chosen to use science to promote the greatest gain to ourselves.

Science has helped us do Gaia a lot of wrong, I won’t deny that. But scientific discoveries have not promoted the worldview that we humans are outside and above the earth. Christianity did that for us. Science simply allowed us to follow our evolved instincts to survive and ingrained religious metaphysic to the greatest degree.

Warrior of the Light

The Warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and he makes these decisions with courage, detachment, and sometimes, with just a touch of madness.

It’s funny. I always used to cling to the idea that you should not forget the past. Past wrongs, past mistakes, past situations. I believed fervently that to forget the past was to forget where you came from, and to forget what you were capable of.

This latter part was of particular importance to me, as I was trying to improve myself and my life. I therefore decided that the only way to improve was to continuously flagellate myself with my past mistakes, to continuously relive them and punish myself for them, in the hope that I would never commit the same crime again.

Of course, I did. Numerous times. Because I didn’t know why I was committing the crimes in the first place. You cannot cure the response; it is not the response that is the issue. It is what is behind the response, the reason behind the decision making process that leads to you repeating the actions that do no good.

So, eventually we realised that hanging onto the past is not such a good idea. But, I found a book today (actually this is about the third time I’ve found it) that played a critically significant role in my discovery of a healing path. Without this book, that just happened to be tucked at the back of an old bookshelf in a dilapidated house in the middle of the South American mountains, and I just happened to find it, I genuinely believe I would not have taken my first steps down the road to recovery and release from my personal hell.

I know why I have shunned reading it again. It is from a time in my life that I don’t wish to return to, but, running away never solved anything. Even now I am eyeing the little scraps of paper that I tucked into the pages all those years ago to mark certain passages, with an amount of trepidation. And I’ve already read them once, for goodness sake. But this is an important and positive part of my past, and one that I am a little ashamed to have forgotten for so long. It introduced me to my guardian angel, without whom, I would never have come as far as I have. Secretly I think that she placed the book there for me to find, but she has yet to admit to any role in the sequence of events that led to my epiphany all those years ago.

The intention of this post was to share some of the quotes, where those little scraps of paper lie, which had the greatest impact on my life and helped me start my journey of change.

But.

As I read the quotes, I realised that, I had no comprehension as to why some of them had been so important to me. I am not the person who found this book. Maybe I am not even close to the person who found this book. What had turned my life around then, I cannot understand now.

Well, if you needed proof of impermanence then there you have it! I feel liberated, a little proud, but also a little sad. It does feel like I have lost something. For all my supposed learning and talking the talk, I still hold onto the idea of a fixed self, something that makes me me. And I thought that person, on that Andean mountain, still existed in part. Hell if she didn’t, wouldn’t I have everything sorted by now?

But of course, it doesn’t work like that. Life continues, bringing new challenges, new ideas, new things to scream over and new things to wonder at. It is forever in motion. My personal level of crazy changes and evolves along with everything else, despite my continued and frankly ridiculous determination, to allow my past to dictate my present responses.

Still, I am even less sure now of why I really do this still. Maybe, it is just habit....

So, dear readers, I share with you instead a small selection of quotes from Warrior of the Light by Paulo Coelho, which rang true to the paganhorsegirl as she exists at 15:54 on the 24^th May 2010. I try to live my life with the empathy and authenticity that these quotes promote, and, despite all the change that lies ahead, hopefully these ideals will continue to stick in some form or another.

No one knows the consequences of his own cruelty

The cup of suffering is not the same size for everyone

A Warrior does not try to appear one way or another.

And finally:

You can recognise a Warrior of the Light by the look in his eye. Warriors of the Light are in the world, they form part of the world, and they were sent into the world without saddlebags or sandals. They are often cowardly. They do not always act correctly. Warriors of the Light are wounded by the most foolish things, they worry about trivialities, they believe themselves incapable of growing. Warriors of the Light sometimes believe themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle. Warriors of the Light often ask themselves what they are doing here. Often they find their lives meaningless.

That is why they are Warriors of the Light. Because they fail. Because they ask questions. Because they keep looking for a meaning. And in the end, they will find it.

This last passage I dedicate to Thermetics, a true Warrior of the Light, who fights the Good Fight with admirable humility, sensitivity, and a cracking sense of humour.

Trying Too Hard

I have recently started Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist by Stephen Batchelor. I love this man's works, and although I am only on chapter 4, his words have already inspired me.

It is an account of his time as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, and so far has introduced his entry into the tradition and the struggles that he faced over the first few years.

Within these pages he introduces the reader to the Buddhist doctrine of emptiness. This doctrine promotes the idea that the self does not exist as an object that can be defined and isolated. That you can search for it, but in the end, you will not find any 'thing' that corresponds to it.

A further comment that brings this idea home is that the person is nothing but a fleeting configuration of the fugitive elements of the body and mind; that there is nothing substantial to it, nothing enduring, nothing constant.

But the wisest words were within Batchelor's admission; that this doctrine of emptiness had no impact upon his experience of being himself.

Personal experience cannot occur without the contribution of the ego. The ego has been portrayed in many different ways by various spiritual paths, often with negative connotations. The ego is the sense of 'I'. It is that which interacts with the conscious world, and its creation begins from the moment of birth. Our egos are how we define ourselves; it is a culmination of labels, personality traits, appealing ideas, concepts and memories that jumble together to form who we 'think' we are and who we want to be. The ego is our identity. It is the mask that we portray to the outside world, and it is what we use to interact with that world.

I think all too often, those of us who follow a path become trapped in the idea of extricating ourselves from our ego, as the ego is often portrayed by spiritual teachings as being a bad thing, something negative that needs to be risen above. It is described as a wily, tricksy part of ourselves. It is the part that prevents us from bettering ourselves and acquiring a true understanding of the world.

Now, it is true, that there are a lot of stupid and nasty people out there who are total slaves to their egos. Today's society which promotes very rigid and narrow ideas of what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' has resulted in a lot of 'keeping up with the Jones' type behaviour and a real deep seated fear of being viewed as 'not fitting in'. This is the negative side of the ego.

Conscious experience, which creates the ego, teaches us that by following the rules of society we get a more positive response from others, which in turn placates the ego and fuels this fear and materialistic viewpoint. I see it as a kind of positive feedback loop. Have blond hair and big tits = lots of nice attention = feel good = want blonder hair and bigger tits. Very simple I know, but, you get the idea. It can also go the other way. Have a shaven head and tattoos = everybody stares and points = feel terrible but defiant, and so rebel = get more tattoos. This loop fixes the ego. We create our identity that generates a response from others and view it as permanent, non changing, the 'core' of what we are. We therefore disable our ability to adapt and respond to our every changing environment and relationships. Out of this handicapped view of life, neurosis develops, and we get into a whole lot of trouble.

The ego is supposedly self serving. It is 'me' and 'I' focused. But, without the ego, I personally feel that we bury a significant part of what makes us alive, the ability to feel emotion. Emotions add substance, they make experiences tangible and give them meaning rather than just being a collection of sensory inputs. The contribute hugely to all facets of life, from what restaurant we choose to eat at to whether or not we get married and have children. We are nothing, without our emotions.

The ability to feel empathy is a great thing, and Buddhism decrees that genuine empathy can only be felt once the Buddhist sees how inextricably enmeshed within the fabric of the world they really are. This involves dissociation from the ego, that which is self preserving and views itself as separate from others. Only through realising that the self is 'empty', can we achieve empathy.

Now, maybe I am going down roads that I totally lack the understanding for here, but, feeling empathy involves the ability to understand another's pain and relate to it. Pain involves emotions such as anger, despair, sadness, heartache. Those times when you kick and scream and swear and the sheer unfairness of it all. 'WHY ME!' kinda stuff. These are selfish thoughts, and such thoughts come from the ego. If you remove yourself from suffering and pain, I cannot see how you in a position to genuinely empathise with another's beyond a level of intellectual understanding boosted by good people skills. You will empathise simply to prove to yourself (and ironically it will be the ego part that will be consoled by doing this) that you are capable of empathy.

We expend so much energy trying to get away from our egos that we forget the joy they can bring us. I can;t imagine ever denying myself the guilty pleasure of pinching one more chocolate from the box than I am allowed, or ignoring the phone because I've had a hard day and you know what you can wait half an hour while I have a cuppa. And what about sex! Sex is purely ego based, and I am sure that many of you will agree that a good orgasm is the cure for a whole multitude of ills. Yes, these are all primal, physical, even simple needs that great spiritual masters would most likely dismiss as 'lower, insignificant thoughts' or some such. But they give us a break. They allow us to just 'be' for a moment. Just to exist as an ordinary, run of the mill human being on occasion. And for most of us, that is what life is about - being a human being.

I fear that, whilst with the best of intentions, texts that promote spirituality alienate ourselves from the 'dirty' parts. No body is perfect, but we seem to spend a lot of energy trying to be so. We hide from our darker, more primal selves, rather than embracing these aspects of our psyche and incorporating them compassionately into our outlook on life. We therefore fail to fully realise all that we are and all that we are capable of. We also run the risk of turning ourselves into ticking time bombs. To deny the ego is, in my opinion, a form of potentially dangerous repressive behaviour. We all know what happened when priests couldn't quite live up to their vows. And how about the housewife whom everybody thought was so sweet and nice, till she went pop one day and decapitated her husband and 2.4 children.

But then, maybe I'm missing the point. If I am, then I'm quite happy to never be 'enlightened.' Yes I know that our egos cause us a lot of problems, and a lot of evil is committed in this world in the name of self preservation. But, we who call ourselves spiritual, are also simply adding another label to our egos. Its no different to company director, martyr, 'rich' or hooker. And we 'boost' our ego because we convince ourselves that we are different, maybe even better, because we are spiritual. I don't really think you can live life without involving your ego at some level, and anyone who says you can is just trying to hide from the shame that we all feel because we can't be perfect.

We have evolved over millions of years to have this wonderfully complex psyche. To deny part of it is to deny who we REALLY are. I believe true enlightenment comes with total understanding our ourselves, warts and all, and the ability to enjoy and work with all those wonderful aspects of ourselves to enrich and full-fill our lives and the lives of others.

The ego can be very dangerous, and yes it can be all consuming, but we can go too far the other way also. If we increase our understanding of ourselves, we can keep the negative aspects of our ego in check, and enjoy rather than fear what it has to offer.

NB I know this is a little confused, and does by no means cover all aspects of ego, identity, and its roles in both secular and spiritual mindsets. But, this is a blog, I'm trying to be succinct, and I didn't even manage that :-)

Back to Basics

Sometimes, things just come together and slow down a little don’t they. I like it when this happens.

I have realised in the past couple of days, that since my last hissy fit which I exposed all you poor people to, I have really shut down.

My spirituality (so to speak) has become next to non existent. I cannot remember the last time I did a proper meditation, and every book I pick up in an attempt to increase my insight and expose myself to knew ideas has been discarded in favour of a fluffy bunny historical novel.

This realisation was brought about by the choice of topics that my dear brother in law has posted about in his blog Mind of Miracles. He mentioned that in the past his spiritual practice was mainly reading with the odd meditation. My practice is also very much like this, but in the past, I used to do a lot of active meditation. This is the process of opening up your awareness throughout everyday tasks, by focusing on where in space and time each part of your body is, and the sensations that it is experiencing. It allows you to fully tune into your environment, by heightening the senses and in turn sharpening the mind to all experiences. I would try to do this as often as I could, and it really allowed me to live within the moment. Suddenly whether or not you were going to be a little late for that doctor’s appointment really didn’t matter.

I don’t do this anymore, and I miss it so much.

Secondly, he discussed the idea of impermanence. I have a strong belief in impermanence which has helped me immensely in overcoming dangerous and negative behavioural patterns and though processes that have become embedded in my psyche. It has contributed greatly to my current world view, and has helped define the person that I am today. Unfortunately, recent events has made me realise just how much I continue to resist the fact of impermanence.

I have always tried to embrace the pain with the joy. I don’t really believe in terms such as ‘happiness’ or ‘successful’ as the English language uses such terms to imply a static state; they are goals in life, ‘things’ to be attained. Being static means that you don’t learn anymore. My one goal in life is too continue learning, so I try to never be static and always try to see all things from all angles, and view all situations as they are; ever changing and ever evolving.

This mindset appears to have gone by the wayside of late. I mentioned my friend who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder in a previous post. Well, yet again, I walked straight into that one didn’t I. Again, all the old fears came charging back, as a result of his indifference. I’m not good enough. I have also been a writing demon of late, and really enjoying it. BUT, I decided to try and publish my stuff online on various websites. Do I get any comments? Any feedback from anyone? Do I heck, no different to millions of others who get ignored. I’m not good enough.
So, the insecurity is already setting in. I continue trying with the friend, keep posting work that really isn;t that terrible on the net. All to no avail. Work throws it’s two penneth in; constant in fighting results in a terrible working environment not to mention my closest companion there is very similar in his behaviour to said friend with personality disorder. Insecurity levels ri-sing.......
And what do I do about all this? I turn my back on it! I ignore it! This doesn’t work! I know that this doesn’t work! Last night I was busy going through all my many past mistakes that had made me feel shame, and i sat with it. I let each memory takes its course, I acknowledged it, I let it go on its way. It will come back I’m sure, but for now, it has been dealt with in a compassionate and understanding manner.

And surprise surprise I felt a lot better.

Ignoring your problems fixes them in your psyche. It gives them no where to go. In my opinion, the message of impermanence is no more important than when trying to deal with negative thoughts about yourself especially when they are strongly connected to your past. By linking what is happening today with what happened in my past, I have successfully engorged I am not good enough to such a huge size that I can no longer process it in a sensible manner. Instead, I obsess over the internet sites I am published on checking every five minutes for some feedback, and I am hiding in my house so I don’t have to interact with anyone incase they say something I don’t want to hear.

I hope to get a handle on this soon, but feelings of helplessness get to us all sometimes. Still, I know one thing for a fact. It won’t last forever

The Wonder that is......

DRAGON AGE!!


Looooooooooooook




Aren't they just THE most perfect example of masculine pixels ever to be displayed in high resolution!

The templar outfit is already ordered! And the husky dulcet tones of "I am yours" and "Ti amor" reverberate through our home on a more than necessary basis. All I need now is a velvety red rose kept pristine by the addition of apostate magics and I'm there!

None of this will make any sense if you have not played the game of course, but as I have no shame when it comes to product placement, I can only encourage you to go and buy it!

It is awesome. Buggy, unbalanced, and some of the results from the dialogue options make no sense whatsoever, but if you are a total romantic then you will not be able to help but go SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE at our adorable heroes as the game progresses(the women are pretty fit as well!)

The game is written like a good book, with a level of sophistication to the dialogue that really draws you in and has you adventuring along with your companions. I have gotten a little obsessed it has to be said, but I am aware of this! and am using this awareness as justification to continue with the playthroughs and waste money on the downloadable content (I am currently on my third go of the game.... yay!) I'm having fun, and right now I need fun :)

My obsession has spread to the extent that I have joined the great unwashed in the realms of fanfiction! Its called "Futures Untoward" and can be found at fanfiction.net. under the dragon age category.

For total escapism, you can't beat this game in my opinion. It transports you to another world full of heroism, monsters, love and excitement! Perfect for a grey Sunday afternoon (although I have cake on the way, which is definitely a cause for celebration!)

So go buy and enjoy! :-)

Mixed up stuffs

"Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape!"

Oh, if only it was that easy!

Please forgive the potentially self pitying and confused tone of this post. I never aim to come across as wanting attention, but the point of this blog is partially to be a healing space. Therefore, I reserve the right to scream here as and when I need to. Who knows, maybe someone else will find the words one day and realise they aren't alone.

Two things have been plaguing me of late. 1) My general 'goodness' as a person (ie am I a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good grandaughter) and 2) my all consuming fear of what I can't control, notably death.

I was an alcoholic throughout my late teens and early twenties, until about 2 1/2 years ago. During my time on the sauce, I had a friend who also had a number of mental health and substance abuse issues. We used each other as a crutch, sharing in each others delerium, one desperately seeking unconditional love and the other wanting, well I'm not sure to this day what he wanted in all honesty.
I got in touch with him recently, we hadn't spoken in two years. I walked away as I couldn't hack the indifference that I received from him. I discovered that he has been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and will be put into a protected apartment.

I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut.
How could I let this happen my head screamed. Why did I walk away? Why didn't I stay? Oh god am I going to be able to do this? Am I going to make it worse? Am I going to ruin his chances of ever getting better? Can he get better? I am such a terrible terrible friend, I should have stayed etc etc etc
Now, I've always struggled with this guy. I love him dearly, but, he's been the one person that I've never know what to do with. I could never influence anything about him, and as a result, he has the ability to turn me to dust. I simply had nothing to offer that he wanted, I felt effectively invisible.

Being invisible has always been a big problem for me. Lately I've managed to get a handle on it as I realised that I have never actually lived for me. I've always lived attempting to please others. Problem was, I was no good at this because no one taught me the rules of being a social person when I was a kid. All I was taught was to be scared of anyone older than you were, coz they knew best, and if you didn't do what they said you'd be humiliated, screamed at, possibly thrown across the room. Also, they boundaries changed every hour or so. What was 'what a good girl was supposed to do' on a Monday, would get you icy glares and silent treatment on a Wednesday.
Needless to say, I was hopeless at forming relationships. I was resentful, angry, scared, and automatically expected to get hurt. And a lot of the time I did. I needed far too much, from everyone, but I had no idea what it was I needed because I had no idea of who I was. I know now that what I needed was for someone to make me stop hating myself. Any sense of self that I have appeared about 3 months ago, literally. 26 stinking years spent not knowing that I was person in my own right! That I have the right to voice my emotions, my joys, my fears, my wants, just as much as anyone else! That I am not here purely for other people's convenience!

But of course, this is not an easy habit to break. As soon as any of my family members come running I revert back to that little girl who just wanted to be told she'd done good. Truth be told that all I want now still, problem is even when I get told I don't hear it, coz mum never said it, and no one else saying it seems to be good enough..... thats gonna be a tough cookie to crack.

Grandad is being priceless at the moment. He won't allow Nana to go on any medication even though she is now at the stage where she is lashing out at all the staff, wondering around at night, and incontinent. I'm so terrified this is going to happen to me. I don't want to get old, I don't want to die from old age or anything associated with old age. If someone told me at 40something, your dying from liver failure, thats fine. That i can deal with. Cancer, heart failure, anything that I have caused, thats fine. Its my own fault, if I hadn't smoked and drunk myself silly for 8 years then it might not have happened. Even if I get mowed down by a bus, thats fine too. I should have looked where I was going. The thought of just ebbing away, and knowing that I'm ebbing away, in pain, confused, nah, can't handle. Where's the plan B! with death there is no plan B, its a one way street. I did a wildlife survey with a 72 year old today. He was a lovely man. But he needed help getting up and down the slopes, and I could see that he was embarrassed and in pain. I DON'T WANT THAT! I'm not spending my bloody life fighting for some sense of balanced outlook only to end up like that! And it is going to be a lifelong fight, I'm not daft. Soon as I think I've sorted out one thing something else bloody happens and more crap gets dug up. Some of it I didn't even realise it was there! Let alone what to do about it!

I need a drink.......