Choosing your words

There are three scenarios that is wish to present to you, all of which have been chosen to highlight todays topic of choosing your words.

1) A definition of mental responsibility as published on a well known and respected website on paganism and witchcraft – ‘don’t dump on others, form a healthy outlook on life and build healthy relationships’
2) You walk into the kitchen at work to make a soothing cup of coffee, your eye blurry with tears and you face all read and blotchy as a result of bawling in the toilets over some very bad news. Your colleague walks in and sees you and says “Cheer up, its Friday! What’s there to be unhappy about!?”

Now, so far your probably thinking, “Ok, number two isn’t very nice I suppose, number one is just good advice isn’t it?

Scenario 3 gets a bit more extreme

3) You get home from school, you open the kitchen door to say hi to your mum. Your 6ft2 15 stone stepfather lunches at you, fist raised, hissing through his teeth “I’ll get you you f***ing bitch”. In complete terror you try to bolt out of the door, only to successfully hit your head so hard on the frame you start seeing stars. The laughter starts. As you cower in the door way, your vision slowly clearing, you see your mum and stepfather laughing big deep belly laughs. As you fight back the tears, you hear your mum chortle “Oh darling he’s only messing around, you need to learn to laugh at yourself”.

Now, I’m sure we can all agree that “I’ll get you you f***ing bitch” is not a pleasant phrase to use, at all, with anyone. In my upbringing, such phrases were commonly used ‘for a laugh’.
The point I am trying to make, whilst I am fully aware that 99% of people would not dream of treating anyone like what has occurred in scenario 3, is that my parents had no idea whatsoever that their actions, and most importantly my mother’s words, were hurtful. I can be over sensitive, I know this, but I also think that scenarios 1 and 2 can also cause a lot of pain particularly to those who have been through something like scenario 3.

Take number 1. My internal gut reaction to this was an angry “You know what darling, its not always that easy!”. I am completely sure that this phrase was written with the aim of offering helpful advice and in total good will. However, to those who suffer or who have suffered from extreme lonliness, isolation, self esteem issues, self loathing, and a whole myriad of other mental and emotional problems, to follow such advice would be very difficult to do simply because our social skills are shot to pieces. It would likely be taken as a criticism, further agreement that we are not good enough because we struggle to follow such directions. So, we would read the statement, feel hurt and ashamed, and curl up into a tighter knot and hope no one can see us for what terrible people we are.

Number 2. Grrr people who do this make me feel really angry! The level of self absorption is sickening. You don’t have to have a mental health problem to be knocked to the floor and stamped on by one of these people. Yet, scenarios like this happen all the time, and in all social situations. Ever been in one of those conversations where you get interrupted before you have finished your sentence? And every sentence you try to complete, you get cut off mid breath? How more blatantly can you show someone that you have absolute no interest in them or anything that they are saying than by behaving in such a manner? Is it really so difficult to stop, look outside of yourself for the briefest of moments, and see that other people also have feelings, desires and needs? You don’t even have to actually care, but would it really damage you that much to just pretend? If nothing else, to not consider others is just plain bad manners!

Ok, gripe over. The point I am attempting to make is that language is key. It is the primary method of communication for our species. A number of biologists and psychologists claim that it is our complex language and the myriad of ways that we use it that make us unique. It is potentially what makes us human. We share up to 90% of our DNA with mice, yet no other creature has a communication system quite like our own. It is a key part of our day to day lives, from forming deep relationships to taking a book out of the library. The school of though in psychology known as social constructionism which places a strong role on language in the creation of the self and the world. One of the principles of this school is relativism, the idea that “the person is indistinguishable from its roles, culture and relationships, and is continually being constructed through language and other systems of symbolic representation.” (http://www.psy.dmu.ac.uk/michael/soc_con_disc.htm)
If the manner in which you speak to someone contains no empathy, no consideration of the other person as a separate individual, if you are oblivious to cues such as tone of voice, their use of certain words, any changes in demeanour and body language according to the topic being discussed, then you potentially could be having a negative impact on that person’s representation of themselves and their environment. Im not suggesting that we all go around walking on eggshells in case we say something that is triggering to a complete stranger, but a little more awareness could go a long way particularly for those that we see on a regular basis. It could make all the difference to someone’s day; rather than telling them to cheer up perhaps offer them a cup of coffee and a reassuring arm squeeze instead. I know what would make me feel better.

Paganhorsegirl.