Healing fairies

My life has been a bit of a mare of late. Suicidal grandfathers, narcissistic mothers and just plain psychotic but stupid at the same time stepfathers, all of whom require their 25year old daughter / granddaughter (who by the way, knows nothing, because of course anyone who is older than you is more sensible, knowledgeable, and far more clever), to make them feel better and generally hold them tight and keep them safe and sound throughout the demise of their wife / mother (my grandmother) from Alzheimer’s because they are just too plain selfish and cowardly to sort it out themselves. Phew, that feels better. Grammatically terrible, but that feels a lot better.
Now I’m not going to go into the ins and outs of this situation, so judge me as you will. I have no doubt that there are a number of readers who are wailing right now about respect for your elders and supporting families through crises etc etc. Let me make this clear. I do the supporting in this family, and I get no support back. Nothing, nada. I am fully aware that I will not be allowed to grieve over my grandmother until everyone else is fixed, and when they are all ok, they will simply turn their backs and disappear into the mist. Like last time, and the time before that……

Anyhow. So, needless to say I have been walking the edge of that oh so familiar deep dark swirling pit that I like to call *my other*. We have a good relationship nowadays for the best part, we sit and chat, and we work things through. Its all good. But lately, the edge is a little too close for comfort, and the tendrils of insanity with their promises of drunken oblivion and release through the blade are whispering seductively in my ear. But no old friend, I’m not going there, as you should know by now.
So, I have spent the past couple of weeks, feeling the gall rise in my throat, only to push it back down again, desperately trying to not give in to the despair that claws at my insides on a regular basis right now. This morning, I took a couple of moments to sit quietly and re-centre myself, and decided to draw a card from my new Brian Froud fairies oracle to see what today had in store.

And what a lovely card I drew! A certain, poignant reminder that my higher self always knows what’s best for me, and tells me what I need to know. The card was Losganna (http://www.worldoffroud.com/www/online/oracle/oracle/card-39.htm), and the images screamed at me before I had even read the accompanying lesson.
A fairy, with the legs of a frog and the upper body and face of a young woman. She sat serenely on a toadstool, gazing forwards at the path ahead. The scene spoke of change, evolution, and metamorphosis. The transformation from a lesser to a higher state. This gave me a real sense of hope. Everything might just be ok! Albeit potentially with a lot of upheaval (but in all honesty I hadn’t expected anything less), but the end of this journey would be a positive one, and I will have grown as a result.

Upon reading the lesson the card made even more sense. It advises an exploration, of both inner and outer realms. I have to not be afraid to wade and roll around in the muddied waters of my tumultuous emotions, and whilst yes I will find a lot of dirt, I will also find the odd speck of fairy gold.
I have been endeavouring to do this, as if I had not, I would have just shut down by now. I find a lot of comfort in searching and knowing myself, as it helps me to realise just how much potential I really have, and it helps me to help and understand others to a far greater degree. And I have learnt some lessons about myself, and they haven’t really been ones that I like. Firstly, I am a total control freak. One of the big reasons why I’m not coping with my grandfather’s complete hissy fit is the feeling to total helplessness that I have. He is 5 hours away, and I have to work so I cant just go down there, not that he would let me anyhow. He just wants to dump on me, he doesn’t actually want my continued support or to share anything. So, I have created scene after miserable scene of his plight, and have to constantly remind myself of the facts to stop myself from breaking down. I just cant sit and do nothing, and cant accept that listening compassionately and making suggestions on how to improve things is actually doing the thing that is probably the best for me and my grandfather. If I had my own way, id be down there, mothering him like a child, watching his every move, organising everything for him. How’s that going to help anybody? I know, better than most, that in order to get back into the light it has to come from within you. But, I can’t bare the thought of anyone suffering on their own, coz it hurts. I know how much it hurts, and I don’t want him to have to go through that.

Second lesson – I appear to have taken it upon myself to suffer everyone’s pain for them, like some damned martyr. I cant cope with others hurting emotionally, and at the expense of myself, do everything I can to try and make it stop. But again, as mentioned above, I cant make it stop. Only they can make it stop. And because despite all my efforts, they still hurt, I then end up cross, frustrated, and feeling rejected of all things, like ive failed, and that my words of advice simply aren’t good enough to listen too.
Stupid or what huh?

On a far more pleasant note, the idea of exploring outer realms. Losganna advises us to create, try new things, expand our horizons and learn new ideas. Wonderful! Recently I have delved into a number of creative projects, which have really helped my focus. I have a large sewing project on the go, two new online courses in aromatherapy and herbalism that I plan to start next month, and have also thrown myself into my writing a lot more. It’s good to know I am doing the right thing, and they have certainly helped me keep my mind of things. In fact I can feel a poem coming on now… I think things will be ok.