Mortality

I read recently about a process called rippling. This is the idea that each of us creates concentric circles of influence that may affect others for years or even generations to come. Often we exert this influence without conscious intent or knowledge. This idea of rippling is used by the psychiatrist Irvin D Yalom as part of his therapy for patients suffering with death anxiety.

Mortality has been in my face a bit lately. Two people whom I love very much may have a degenerative disease, there is the ongoing saga with my grandparents, and my own continued fears of dying before I did the right thing and facing eternity in the cold and dark. So, I quite like the idea that I might be able to persist in some form through the people who are close to me. I have no family who will mourn, so I try my upmost to have a positive impact on my friends in the hope that I might be remembered fondly on occasion.

Ironically I don’t want anyone at my funeral. I would bury myself if I could, and just not tell anyone that it happened. I would like to be remembered, but I don’t want anyone saying goodbye or being sad about my demise. I don’t think anyone has the right to, but that is a story for another day.

So, with this idea of rippling in my head, I return to my conversation with a friend of mine. He had recently admitted that my reappearance in his life had uncovered a ton of stuff for him, stuff that he thought that he had dealt with. OK, not the sort of rippling I had in mind..... However, we have been talking a lot and a lot has been shared. He has been a great help on more than one occasion, and I thought that perhaps I was managing to reciprocate the favour.

He has been quiet past few days, and told me that he thinks he has made real breakthroughs and managed to sort a lot of stuff out in his head. I was really pleased, but then it hit me (and I’m gonna say now, anyone who says I am not a selfish person can retract that statement this instant).

I had no role to play in his epiphany.

I have tried very hard for this guy for a long time, as you all know. I’ve said everything I that I could, I have sacrificed and exposed and laid out on the table every frickin card I could think of. All to no avail. He continued to insist that he was born a fuck up and nothing was going to make it better, or simply would not talk to me about it. And yet he sent me a link to a song that made everything that I was railing at at the time better for me, and he knew that it would.

I think I’ve been getting it rather wrong all these years. It would appear that I have helped not one iota in this situation, apart from being an emotional punchbag for him to scream at. I suppose this is admirable in itself, but all you need is the skin of a rhino to do that job effectively. I don’t, I got broken quite a lot. So, in order to help, I had to break. I could not contribute anything else other than my fragility.

That sucks a little.

I’ve been told in the past that I am brutally honest. It has never done me any favours. It either lays me out like a slab of meat for the crows, or turns people against me in contempt. My screams have been compared to a scene in Team America recently, hows that for pointing out just how ridiculous you are capable of being. But, my honesty has always been a big part of me. To play the game like everyone else does and kid myself wouldn’t feel right. Maybe rippling is not something that I will do, or maybe it will only be in the form or ‘remember that crazy bitch? She was fucked!’

I suppose people will a least get a giggle if that is the case. Do / will I impact positively upon people? Yes of course I do, I know that. But, today made it quite clear that chances are I will not impact in the way that I want to. I always wanted to be the one who offered the piece of wisdom that stuck in someone’s mind, the one with the eyes too old for her age and a knowing smile. But I think, at this stage anyway, I’m more the one that intrigues but is not taken seriously. I guess what hurts so much is, I give everything for my friends, and they just don't realise it. They don't really need me, but they ask again and again and again. And again and again they get.

A wise man sad to me not so long ago "you are too generous with yourself, you need to keep some back". Today made it very clear just how true this is.