Back to Basics

Sometimes, things just come together and slow down a little don’t they. I like it when this happens.

I have realised in the past couple of days, that since my last hissy fit which I exposed all you poor people to, I have really shut down.

My spirituality (so to speak) has become next to non existent. I cannot remember the last time I did a proper meditation, and every book I pick up in an attempt to increase my insight and expose myself to knew ideas has been discarded in favour of a fluffy bunny historical novel.

This realisation was brought about by the choice of topics that my dear brother in law has posted about in his blog Mind of Miracles. He mentioned that in the past his spiritual practice was mainly reading with the odd meditation. My practice is also very much like this, but in the past, I used to do a lot of active meditation. This is the process of opening up your awareness throughout everyday tasks, by focusing on where in space and time each part of your body is, and the sensations that it is experiencing. It allows you to fully tune into your environment, by heightening the senses and in turn sharpening the mind to all experiences. I would try to do this as often as I could, and it really allowed me to live within the moment. Suddenly whether or not you were going to be a little late for that doctor’s appointment really didn’t matter.

I don’t do this anymore, and I miss it so much.

Secondly, he discussed the idea of impermanence. I have a strong belief in impermanence which has helped me immensely in overcoming dangerous and negative behavioural patterns and though processes that have become embedded in my psyche. It has contributed greatly to my current world view, and has helped define the person that I am today. Unfortunately, recent events has made me realise just how much I continue to resist the fact of impermanence.

I have always tried to embrace the pain with the joy. I don’t really believe in terms such as ‘happiness’ or ‘successful’ as the English language uses such terms to imply a static state; they are goals in life, ‘things’ to be attained. Being static means that you don’t learn anymore. My one goal in life is too continue learning, so I try to never be static and always try to see all things from all angles, and view all situations as they are; ever changing and ever evolving.

This mindset appears to have gone by the wayside of late. I mentioned my friend who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder in a previous post. Well, yet again, I walked straight into that one didn’t I. Again, all the old fears came charging back, as a result of his indifference. I’m not good enough. I have also been a writing demon of late, and really enjoying it. BUT, I decided to try and publish my stuff online on various websites. Do I get any comments? Any feedback from anyone? Do I heck, no different to millions of others who get ignored. I’m not good enough.
So, the insecurity is already setting in. I continue trying with the friend, keep posting work that really isn;t that terrible on the net. All to no avail. Work throws it’s two penneth in; constant in fighting results in a terrible working environment not to mention my closest companion there is very similar in his behaviour to said friend with personality disorder. Insecurity levels ri-sing.......
And what do I do about all this? I turn my back on it! I ignore it! This doesn’t work! I know that this doesn’t work! Last night I was busy going through all my many past mistakes that had made me feel shame, and i sat with it. I let each memory takes its course, I acknowledged it, I let it go on its way. It will come back I’m sure, but for now, it has been dealt with in a compassionate and understanding manner.

And surprise surprise I felt a lot better.

Ignoring your problems fixes them in your psyche. It gives them no where to go. In my opinion, the message of impermanence is no more important than when trying to deal with negative thoughts about yourself especially when they are strongly connected to your past. By linking what is happening today with what happened in my past, I have successfully engorged I am not good enough to such a huge size that I can no longer process it in a sensible manner. Instead, I obsess over the internet sites I am published on checking every five minutes for some feedback, and I am hiding in my house so I don’t have to interact with anyone incase they say something I don’t want to hear.

I hope to get a handle on this soon, but feelings of helplessness get to us all sometimes. Still, I know one thing for a fact. It won’t last forever