Mixed up stuffs

"Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape!"

Oh, if only it was that easy!

Please forgive the potentially self pitying and confused tone of this post. I never aim to come across as wanting attention, but the point of this blog is partially to be a healing space. Therefore, I reserve the right to scream here as and when I need to. Who knows, maybe someone else will find the words one day and realise they aren't alone.

Two things have been plaguing me of late. 1) My general 'goodness' as a person (ie am I a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good grandaughter) and 2) my all consuming fear of what I can't control, notably death.

I was an alcoholic throughout my late teens and early twenties, until about 2 1/2 years ago. During my time on the sauce, I had a friend who also had a number of mental health and substance abuse issues. We used each other as a crutch, sharing in each others delerium, one desperately seeking unconditional love and the other wanting, well I'm not sure to this day what he wanted in all honesty.
I got in touch with him recently, we hadn't spoken in two years. I walked away as I couldn't hack the indifference that I received from him. I discovered that he has been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and will be put into a protected apartment.

I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut.
How could I let this happen my head screamed. Why did I walk away? Why didn't I stay? Oh god am I going to be able to do this? Am I going to make it worse? Am I going to ruin his chances of ever getting better? Can he get better? I am such a terrible terrible friend, I should have stayed etc etc etc
Now, I've always struggled with this guy. I love him dearly, but, he's been the one person that I've never know what to do with. I could never influence anything about him, and as a result, he has the ability to turn me to dust. I simply had nothing to offer that he wanted, I felt effectively invisible.

Being invisible has always been a big problem for me. Lately I've managed to get a handle on it as I realised that I have never actually lived for me. I've always lived attempting to please others. Problem was, I was no good at this because no one taught me the rules of being a social person when I was a kid. All I was taught was to be scared of anyone older than you were, coz they knew best, and if you didn't do what they said you'd be humiliated, screamed at, possibly thrown across the room. Also, they boundaries changed every hour or so. What was 'what a good girl was supposed to do' on a Monday, would get you icy glares and silent treatment on a Wednesday.
Needless to say, I was hopeless at forming relationships. I was resentful, angry, scared, and automatically expected to get hurt. And a lot of the time I did. I needed far too much, from everyone, but I had no idea what it was I needed because I had no idea of who I was. I know now that what I needed was for someone to make me stop hating myself. Any sense of self that I have appeared about 3 months ago, literally. 26 stinking years spent not knowing that I was person in my own right! That I have the right to voice my emotions, my joys, my fears, my wants, just as much as anyone else! That I am not here purely for other people's convenience!

But of course, this is not an easy habit to break. As soon as any of my family members come running I revert back to that little girl who just wanted to be told she'd done good. Truth be told that all I want now still, problem is even when I get told I don't hear it, coz mum never said it, and no one else saying it seems to be good enough..... thats gonna be a tough cookie to crack.

Grandad is being priceless at the moment. He won't allow Nana to go on any medication even though she is now at the stage where she is lashing out at all the staff, wondering around at night, and incontinent. I'm so terrified this is going to happen to me. I don't want to get old, I don't want to die from old age or anything associated with old age. If someone told me at 40something, your dying from liver failure, thats fine. That i can deal with. Cancer, heart failure, anything that I have caused, thats fine. Its my own fault, if I hadn't smoked and drunk myself silly for 8 years then it might not have happened. Even if I get mowed down by a bus, thats fine too. I should have looked where I was going. The thought of just ebbing away, and knowing that I'm ebbing away, in pain, confused, nah, can't handle. Where's the plan B! with death there is no plan B, its a one way street. I did a wildlife survey with a 72 year old today. He was a lovely man. But he needed help getting up and down the slopes, and I could see that he was embarrassed and in pain. I DON'T WANT THAT! I'm not spending my bloody life fighting for some sense of balanced outlook only to end up like that! And it is going to be a lifelong fight, I'm not daft. Soon as I think I've sorted out one thing something else bloody happens and more crap gets dug up. Some of it I didn't even realise it was there! Let alone what to do about it!

I need a drink.......