Oooooh...its vanishified

First of all can I just say that my poem Alone made it onto page 3 of the most popular poems on Deviant Art in the past 24 hours!! How unbelievably cool is that thank you so much to everyone who took a look at it and added it to their favourites! Mwah!

And secondly.......*DRUM ROLL* drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrum

Don't you open that Trap Door!
You're a fool if you dare!
Stay away from that Trap Door!
Cos there's something down there!

Now, our household is hardly what you would call conventional, not in the least in that the number one priority on a Wednesday morning can be to clean up the unholiest of unholy messes that is the result of the Houdini moggi managing to open a ruck sack and eat 2 Sainsburys granola squares.

No, there are a number of bizarre references to various scientific theories, films, cartoons, pc games etc that are bantered around in the guise of adult conversation. And needless to say, hearing an intellectually superior 6ft man mumbling under his breath in the kitchen in a London accent “ooooh, oooh its vanishified ooooh”, whilst probably a fairly acceptable form of discourse within these four walls, had me rolling around in stitches for a good five minutes.

This line is from the episode “Ghoulies” of the infamous and quite frankly fantastic animation “The Trap Door”. Created whilst I was a wee nipper (1984-1986) by animators Terry Brain and Charlie Mills, Trap Door ran for 2 series and a total of 40 episodes. There are four (maybe five) main characters whose antics you follow throughout, which tend to include one or more of a number of nasty and hilarious monsters that come up from the trap door.

Berk, is a lovable blue creature, who tends to have the best lines. He loves to cook, is the epitome of the grumpy yet adorable old man (but made from blue clay) that lives down the road, and is the long suffering servant of the Thing Upstairs. His trademark sayings are “Oh Gloobits” and “Sniff that!” (both of which I was internally muttering after hearing the story of doom regarding the moggie and the granola squares). Dear Berk often pokes around the trap door despite warnings from his friends, and is generally the cause of the ensuing mayhem as he tends to forget to close the trap door or indeed in pounced upon as soon as he opens it in the first place.

Moanie Boni is my favourite character! This disembodied skull lives in a hole in the wall, and moans. A lot. His favourite pastime is complaining that he is bored, telling Berk of for opening the trap door, and sleeping. My kinda skull. In fact I am sure my husband to be will no doubt state that occasionally I can do a very good impression of boni, particularly if I have a cold. Boni’s shining moment is when he acquires the body of a horse and starts charging around making goat noises in the episode “Nasty Stuff”. Classic!

Next we have Drutt. Drutt is a little spider, who doesn’t talk as such, but has certain unique ways of getting Berks attention. This normally involves lots of jumping around (which is impressive in itself as his legs are too the side of his body, not underneath him) and making high pitched squeaking noises. He is Berk’s pet, and manages to get himself into just as much trouble as the others. I have just read that in one episode Drutt has babies.....why am I not aware of this fact? And pink babies as well! I shall have to consult the oracle and get back to you. Either way, Drutt rocks.

I have to mention Rogg as I plan to reincarnate into him. Rogg is a huge pink thing, a friendly monster that lives down the trap door and pops up on random occasions for a play. He isn’t very intelligent, his favourite line of mine being “I like Berk, he’s my friend” after sending him flying out of the top storey window and Berk screaming obscenities at him from the ground. Rogg becomes the firm friend of all the characters eventually, although Berk often refers to him as ‘the stupid pink thing’.

And there we have it ladies and gents, my little mention of the wondrous animated cartoon that is the trap door. Now, there is a slightly more serious note as to why I have introduced you good readers to this frankly rather silly topic. It is also a little ironic I suppose, maybe even hypocritical, considering the doldrums posts I have written of late. It concerns the importance of laughter.

Dr Paul E McGhee developed what he calls laughter therapy and has spent 22 years conducting research on humour and laughter with focus on how beneficial these tools are to our health. He argues that our sense of humour helps to overcome the immunosuppressive effects of stress by boosting our ability to cope (indirect action) and by directly effecting the effectiveness of our immune system. A number of studies conducted have shown that levels of immunoglobulin A (an antibody with a key role in mucosal immunity – that is, any part of your body with a mucos lining such as nostrils, gastro intestinal tract, etc) are significantly boosted whilst the patient is watching a funny comedy.

Beyond these direct effects though, are the indirect effects that laughter has on one’s ability to cope. One paper in particular caught my eye, as it refers to Dr Frankl, the psychiatrist whose ideas I discussed in a previous post. One direct quote from Frankl’s work ‘Mans Search for Meaning’ goes like this:

“I would never have made it if I could not have laughed. Laughing lifted me momentarily....out of this horrible situation, just enough to make it liveable”.

Frankl was able to use humour to survive the Nazi concentration camps. I’m sorry but this guy is simply unbelievable....

Anyway, star struck eyes over. Humour, however grim and black, can set the spirit free under even the most tragic circumstances (Captain General Coffee, POW, Vietnam). It is argued that those who can access their sense of humour even under the most stressful circumstances are much more resilient and emotionally flexible; they can bend without breaking when times get tough.

I remember quite recently when I received a phone call from a relative, screaming and hollering about the state of his wife in the care home (basically she was asleep) and threats to steal her away out of the home and “take care of her” himself. He was also going to refuse any more medication for her, and insist that she was put on no drugs; an action which would have killed her pretty quickly. He was also very unwilling to accept that the social services would have to be involved should he do this, and also seemed to think that the NHS would simply provide home care for his wife despite the fact that he had rudely refused the proper NHS care that she needed. Needless to say I was sat down with a large vodka and orange and got to railing about the stupidity of said relative with husband to be. Husband to be, out of this fairly tragic and unbelievable potential disaster, began a rendition of the film with Thelma and Louise (I have no idea if this is the correct title). Images of two elderly people in a beat up ford focus, one completely potty and the other with only one functioning leg and the thought processes of a very stupid Nazi general, driving off into the sunset with their whole lives ahead of them, had us both laughing so hard we were in tears.

Now this is very black humour I know, and it really isn’t a very funny situation. But then nor was the Nazi concentration camp. Either way, I ceased panicking about what was likely to happen, and simply waited until the following day to contact my relative and discovered that he had had a go at the care home (who had told him exactly what he needed to hear) and all was well.

So, moral of the story is, no matter how tough things get, if you can laugh about it, you’ll be a lot better off. Whether it be Trap Door or The Two Ronnies, find that which puts a smile on your face, and face the world with renewed vigour and intent.

Shameless Plug

Well, now that we have got that off our chest.......*slightly manic grin*

I have been scouring Deviant Art as is my want, and was marvelling at all the wonderful un published and unappreciated writers out there, and felt I should give a little shout out and a wave to you guys and ask you if you would be oh so kind and show your support.

As a writer myself, I know how nice it feels to have a piece favourited by someone or someone write a kind comment. So, if you are bored at work or wherever, and fancy taking a little trip through another world, please check out the writers at deviant art. I am sure you will find something to tickle your fancy, and we really appreciate the time people take to send a nod in our direction

Thanking you all in advance

Message to the Masses

“Bored Confused Annoyed Don’t worry about it, just buy your copy of Heat magazine. Heat, makes life worth living!

Or something to that affect, I recoil too adamantly at this advert to manage 100% concentration.

Anyway, today in particular this advert made me sit up and listen. Because I was feeling confused and annoyed, but the thought that I would turn to this kind of publication to ‘make my life worth living’, or even that they have the gall to suggest that it would help, twisted my guts inside and got me to thinking.

First, I re-read the paragraph of Yalom’s Staring at the Sun that I had just completed. The last line was ‘the desire to help our kids is hardwired in us’.

Uh-huh, I’m sure your all imagining where this is going, but this isn’t a traditional “paganhorsegirl banging on again about how terrible her upbringing was” kinda post. I’m boring myself at the moment with all that, trust me.

I then got to thinking about my dream that I had this morning. I always remember the last bits of my dreams, the bits just before the alarm goes off for the umpteenth time. My mother and I were in a very light room, a kitchen or conservatory, with big windows and sun streaming in. All was very lightly coloured, and well lit from the sunshine. We were sat on stools at what I think was the kitchen work top, looking at pamphlets. Mum was showing me a white card with tiny little plastic rings kinda hooked into it. They were all different designs, coloured in bright orange, deep royal blue and luminous yellow. She was showing me which ones she had worn as a child, and which were her sister Nicola’s. Another card showed an engraving done in silver plate of a christening of the daughter of her friend Diana. My brother was part of this engraving, looking very young and noble. It was a side profile of him, dressed in a suit I think, underneath a big christening title with names and dates on it. My mum also gave me a pearl necklace. It was a beautiful necklace, made from gold, with gold leaves and pearls of various colours and sizes attached. Some in clusters, others single. Mum said it was time I had the necklace, as I was now old enough.

I felt very happy. It was a nice conversation, mum sharing her childhood with me, and presenting me with this lovely gift. It felt like a positive experience. And it was a positive experience that encompassed the family.

I woke up feeling very sad and despondent, as in reality this was something that would not happen. I also felt the loss of the pearls. When I was a teenager, my mother took me up to the bedroom and showed me a plastic bag with 21 pearls in it. She said that they were her grandmothers, and that I would receive them when I was 21, and that she had fought tooth and nail to keep them hidden from my father (who had pawned the rest of my mother’s jewellery to pay for his gambling debt). It was one of the few memories I have where I felt important, although it was made very clear that this was yet another sacrifice that my mother had made for me and I had better grovel and show up most gratitude otherwise I would get what for.

I never received those pearls, and now believe that they were sold to pay for my mother’s and stepfather’s boat.

Anyway. The dream I believe was a culmination of the past few weeks, my conscious and unconscious merging to crystallise what is going on at the moment. Things have been tough lately, with a near enough constant barrage of situations that heighten and sharpen my insecurities to popping extent.

Light bulb moment

The dream was a poignant depiction of what I have always wanted; a sense of safety and security within a family setting, where individuals cared for each other, have a past, present and future, where communication occurred.

But this is not going to happen. Maybe I really am just one of these people who needs to have their face smashed in time and time again before they start to look where they are going. I am always going to be insecure, I am always going to want a family, I am always going to be defined by and live my life according to what has happened to me. My dream pointed out all that will not be, all that I continuously search for.

So, what to do? It is said that to free yourself from your past you have to forgive, otherwise you simply end up bitter and twisted, constantly reliving the wrongs done to you. I have no intention of forgiving my family members, ever. Yes I am very angry, but it is this anger which allows me to be far more compassionate and caring than the majority of chumps out there because I try to not behave like they do. But it isn’t the wrongs done that make me angry. It’s the fact that they have no idea that they have done wrong. And near enough everyone appears to suffer from this particular mental deficit.

I am not going to sit here and say that I am perfect, that I haven’t made mistakes, that I’ve never hurt anyone. Of course I have. But I say sorry! And, once more, if I don’t have anything nice to say, I don’t open my bloody mouth! I live my life by a certain set of rules, rules that encompass taking care of my fellow man often to my own detriment. I watch people, I learn their foibles, I enquire, if they are upset in the morning I make sure I make them a cup of tea and ask how they are in the afternoon. If I make plans with someone for the following week I don’t forget about them the instant the conversation is over. I don’t make idle threats, I watch my language, I try not to come across as overpowering or opinionated or overly judgemental. I don’t press my ideas and my ways of doing things onto others.

I’m starting to think that maybe my family are not the problem anymore. I know what they are like, I know what to expect from them for the best part. But I expect others to be different. I view my parents as the extreme, and they are, but I forget just how prevalent their psychological traits are, albeit to a lesser extent, amongst the majority of society. I suppose that I have been very unlucky in that between all of my blood relatives, I was exposed to just about every negative behaviour and very few positive. There was no buffer; all of them were cocks. I am now sensitive to ‘cockish’ behaviour (I’m so turning that into a real word).

I am happiest when I am alone. When I am with others, I feel uncomfortable, I feel on edge, I worry about how I look, what I say, is my facial expression appropriate, have I got anything to say that will be of interest to anyone (often I haven’t, I am hardly the life and soul of the party), and this is without all the residual insecurities about having to explain my career choice (no one seems to know what ecologist means) go through the whole ‘why have you got all those tattoos?’ ‘what do they mean’ ‘you’ll regret those when your older’, and what on earth do I do with my time if I don’t watch east enders or X factor NOR do I get drunk every night with mates down the pub because of course, at the age of 26, isn’t that what I am supposed to do?

I am not a normal person by today’s standards. I have not had a normal upbringing, I do not think like others do, I do not dress like others do, I do not view the world like others do. I am very happy with this, with my aims in life, with how I have managed to overcome my past and deal with the constant bollocks that I have to face today. Yes I have tattoos. No I am not going to regret them. No I do not care that will have 8 years of university education behind me and still only earn 18k. No I will not spend hours every day cleaning my house and my car. No I will not live and let live. No I will not sit quietly. No I will not look the other way. Yes I will write, laugh, love, scream, cry, learn, live, and be me.

And if you don’t like it, then please go, because I am tired of trying to fit to ideals that have nothing to do with me, and I cannot move forward if I have to keep trying.

Man's Search for Meaning

This post aims to highlight the revolutionary ideas of Dr Viktor Frankl. This inspirational psychiatrist and true hero of our times, was a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps, and shared his horrific experience and his methods of surviving it in the amazing work ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’.

In this slim volume, Dr Frankl describes in graphic detail, the atrocities that he and his fellows had to endure, and offers extremely powerful methods for how the human psyche is able to cope and indeed thrive under such conditions. He provides important insights into man’s dignity, freedom and meaning; insights that we should all take heed from and try to incorporate into our lives.

Dr Frankl’s key idea was coined by the term logotherapy, an alternative to traditional psychotherapy which focuses on the outer rather than the inner. Logotherapy states that man’s primary concern is his will to meaning, rather than the fulfilment of drives and instincts also known as the pleasure principal and the power principal. Instead, man’s purpose in life is to find meaning in every moment.

In order for man to live his life with a much meaning as possible, Frankl argues that we must be fully responsible for that life. Each man has his own particular mission that he has to fullfill. His life cannot be replaced nor replicated. It is unique. He argues that man is questioned by life, and can only answer by answering for his own life. He therefore can only respond to life by being responsible and actualise the meaning within it.

There are three ways to actualise this meaning. By achievement or accomplishment, by experiencing something (beauty, goodness) or someone (love), and by the attitude we take to unavoidable suffering.

Frankl gives a number of examples, written with outstanding humility, of how he and his fellows were able to actualise meaning in their lives in the above three ways. One particularly poignant part for me was how he described picturing and holding conversations in his head with his wife. His imaginations filled his heart with the love that he felt for his wife, and allowed him to endure working in sub zero temperatures, exhausted, malnourished, with next to no clothing on, and in extreme pain. His daydreams took him to a happy place, where he was able to escape albeit for the briefest of moments, from the torment of reality. He suggests that these moments of reprieve allowed him to continue, and combined with the hope of realising them, gave his life meaning and the will to survive.

This is the second time that I have read this book, and I shall probably do so again and again. You cannot fail to be awed by this man’s strength and generosity. His account of his time in the concentration camps is both horrific and inspiring, primarily because there is not an ounce of self pity in his writing. He is writing to share, to help others deal with their own silly neuroses. He isn’t doing it to boast, but to genuinely offer something back to the community. He has actualised his meaning. Everything he went through was worth it, because now he can use his experiences to help others.

I wish I could take copies of this book and shove them down the throats of my family members, each and every dam one of them. Whilst they would gain nothing from his psychological theories (that would involve using brain cells), it might make them realise that their petty little problems really do not compare with true suffering that has gone on in this world.

Frankl’s ideas have become a mainstay for me at the moment. The familial situation has reached a point where it has become starkly clear to me (yet again, but hey we like flogging a dead horse don’t we) that my existence means next to nothing to my blood relatives. I do not exist as a person with feelings, emotions, desires or needs. I exist purely to serve. If I do not serve in the correct manner, then I am discarded. Even if I do serve in the correct manner, I am discarded should another more pressing need (most notably the need to hurt another family relative) arise.

Families often help us actualise our will meaning. We overcome hardships, we face trials head on, we survive because of our families. Because we don’t want to hurt them, we don’t want to leave them behind, we want to make them proud. It is no secret that I am defined by my lack of relevance to my family. I also have very few friends, certainly none who would notice my absence. The one person in my life who allows me to actualise my will to meaning has a close and loving family, and so I therefore view my link even with him as tenacious. The knowledge that without him I am nothing, yet he has a place without me, is a heavy burden at the best of times.

I therefore have to look for meaning primarily in other places. I manage this sometimes, but not always. It is my main struggle, to extricate myself from the concept that without acceptance and acknowledgement from others I do not have meaning. My main source of soul food is to sit outside and feel the sun, wind, rain, whatever Gaia happens to be doing at the time. I find that you cannot but admit life is worth giving your best shot when listening to a robin sing or feeling the sun warming your skin. I also try to view my situation as positively as possible. I know that I can stop myself feeling bad, I do it all the time. Problem is, it gets tiring sometimes, and I continue to look for a level of salvation that does not exist. I torture myself with people’s kind words, taking them to heart, expecting them to offer and be what I need them to be even though they do not know me nor know the extent of my pain. All that they offer, and all they can offer, are kind words.

I cannot actualise my will to meaning through others. I simply don’t think I am capable of it, I cannot have a 'normal' interaction with another person. I will always place others within the contextual framework of my upbringing and young adulthood, and so will always hurt myself and / or get myself hurt. But I can actualise meaning through action, accomplishment, experiencing something, and my attitude to my suffering. If Frankl could do it in Auschwitz, I’m sure that I can do it to.

I urge all of you to buy and absorb “Man’s Search for Meaning”. It is an amazing tale of survival, and offers all of us a way to improve our outlook and therefore our lives.

Run

Torn from inside and cast into flame

Burnt at birth and baptised in pain

Claw through some semblance

Some version of what should be done

I cannot face this

This never should have begun

Light up

Light up

As if you have a choice

It’s funny how some things never let us go

Or maybe just tragic?

Maybe its all just for show

My cracked and blistered feet

Take baby steps all the way

Bloodied tears and permanent fears

Shredded scars all here to stay

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I am right beside you dear

Sometimes I get taken aback

By just how much I hate you

By just how much I want to hurt

To cast you out and desert you

To call the titans from the sky

And drive a stake through your heart

To desecrate all that you are

To end that what you had no right to start

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I am sculpted by your heresy

Trussed up by your tragedy

Defined by your depravity

Given substance by your animosity

Chained by your rejection

Falsified by your projection

Beaten by your derision

Still you never see me cry

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

The wheel of time will always turn

And I will always disappear

Feathers fall from broken wings

Your spectre always near

I cannot be you

However much you beg

I will always disappoint you

And one day, this might end

Here we go again....

Oooooh fundamentalists make me cross! They really really do! Why the pagan community cannot see why it is such a laughing stock amongst religious groups (or indeed, any societal group) is beyond me, when it insists on publishing clap trap!

OK, some semblance of calm is required I feel.

My gripe is against White & Talboys’ “The Path through the Forest – A Druid Guidebook”. Now, before I start, I will admit that I have not gotten beyond page 55, and this is not an attack on the information presented on Celtic beliefs, Celtic history, or the Druid Tradition as it was then or now. My concern lies with lines such as the following:

“The current dominant metaphysic is extremely aggressive, perpetuating itself through violence rather than rightness”

Uh-huh. Last time I checked there was no absolute universal definition of ‘rightness’. Rightness is a human created concept, and what is right varies according to the societal values and norms within a culture during any specific time period. Once upon a time it was ‘right’ to behead criminals in front of hundreds of spectators. It was ‘right’ to burn thousands of men and woman at the stake in the name of heresy. Countries have been invaded, wars started, thousands killed, in the name of ‘what is right’ for eons. And I shall point out here, that the Celts were subject to the same rules of survival as all other tribal peoples. They killed, they maimed, they conquered. They committed acts of violence then, just as we do now.

Anyhow, moan over semantics over. But, and I have mentioned this before, people are too quick to bend language to suit their own ends. Think before you type people!

Also:

“Suffice it to say that scientific materialism (the current dominant metaphysic) turned more natural and more balanced forms of seeing the world inside out, whilst also introducing biases that favoured certain sections of human society over others and human society as a whole (the World) over everything else”

Soooooo. Science, has caused the current worldview that we humans are at the top of the foodchain and have the right to plunder Gaia to our hearts content.

Let me remind you of a little line in Genesis, the Bible. Written a very, very long time ago, before the scientific revolution in fact! *gasp*

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

The bible! Not science, the bible! States that man rules over the earth and all that was in it! Christianity has been teaching the West that we are the big shots at least since Constantine 1 converted the Roman Empire to the religion in the year 312CE! Christianity was infiltrating the then accepted pagan religions probably for years and years previous to its official acceptance!

Natural science, mathematics, physics, medicine, all have been studied using critical thinking (albeit closely entwined with theology, the two were pretty much as one back then) since the classical ages in Ancient Greece and in the Middle East. But I don’t think the authors are criticising these great nations when they decide to launch their attack on ‘scientific materialism’

Science, does not promote violence.

Science has freed us from the constraints of religious superstition and tyranny. It has allowed us to travel the earth and beyond. It has allowed us to cure that would have once certainly killed. It has allowed the developments of technologies that bring us closer to universal truth than ever before. It has shown us how wonderful this earth really is. Science promotes understanding, and greater understanding allows for greater positive change.

Scientific enquiry is not the enemy here. We have been a nasty violent species for a long time prior to science. The problem is that we use science incorrectly. We have used it to flaunt the earth’s resources, caused death on a tremendous scale. Our ability to be greedy, viscious, selfish and plain unpleasant have nothing to do with science. We do that all ourselves. The evolution of a hugely complex and sensitive brain results in a multitude of emotional and sensory responses. It allows for the greatest flexibility and degree of opportunistic behaviour. We have evolved to be the ultimate opportunist. We have willingly chosen to use science to promote the greatest gain to ourselves.

Science has helped us do Gaia a lot of wrong, I won’t deny that. But scientific discoveries have not promoted the worldview that we humans are outside and above the earth. Christianity did that for us. Science simply allowed us to follow our evolved instincts to survive and ingrained religious metaphysic to the greatest degree.

Warrior of the Light

The Warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and he makes these decisions with courage, detachment, and sometimes, with just a touch of madness.

It’s funny. I always used to cling to the idea that you should not forget the past. Past wrongs, past mistakes, past situations. I believed fervently that to forget the past was to forget where you came from, and to forget what you were capable of.

This latter part was of particular importance to me, as I was trying to improve myself and my life. I therefore decided that the only way to improve was to continuously flagellate myself with my past mistakes, to continuously relive them and punish myself for them, in the hope that I would never commit the same crime again.

Of course, I did. Numerous times. Because I didn’t know why I was committing the crimes in the first place. You cannot cure the response; it is not the response that is the issue. It is what is behind the response, the reason behind the decision making process that leads to you repeating the actions that do no good.

So, eventually we realised that hanging onto the past is not such a good idea. But, I found a book today (actually this is about the third time I’ve found it) that played a critically significant role in my discovery of a healing path. Without this book, that just happened to be tucked at the back of an old bookshelf in a dilapidated house in the middle of the South American mountains, and I just happened to find it, I genuinely believe I would not have taken my first steps down the road to recovery and release from my personal hell.

I know why I have shunned reading it again. It is from a time in my life that I don’t wish to return to, but, running away never solved anything. Even now I am eyeing the little scraps of paper that I tucked into the pages all those years ago to mark certain passages, with an amount of trepidation. And I’ve already read them once, for goodness sake. But this is an important and positive part of my past, and one that I am a little ashamed to have forgotten for so long. It introduced me to my guardian angel, without whom, I would never have come as far as I have. Secretly I think that she placed the book there for me to find, but she has yet to admit to any role in the sequence of events that led to my epiphany all those years ago.

The intention of this post was to share some of the quotes, where those little scraps of paper lie, which had the greatest impact on my life and helped me start my journey of change.

But.

As I read the quotes, I realised that, I had no comprehension as to why some of them had been so important to me. I am not the person who found this book. Maybe I am not even close to the person who found this book. What had turned my life around then, I cannot understand now.

Well, if you needed proof of impermanence then there you have it! I feel liberated, a little proud, but also a little sad. It does feel like I have lost something. For all my supposed learning and talking the talk, I still hold onto the idea of a fixed self, something that makes me me. And I thought that person, on that Andean mountain, still existed in part. Hell if she didn’t, wouldn’t I have everything sorted by now?

But of course, it doesn’t work like that. Life continues, bringing new challenges, new ideas, new things to scream over and new things to wonder at. It is forever in motion. My personal level of crazy changes and evolves along with everything else, despite my continued and frankly ridiculous determination, to allow my past to dictate my present responses.

Still, I am even less sure now of why I really do this still. Maybe, it is just habit....

So, dear readers, I share with you instead a small selection of quotes from Warrior of the Light by Paulo Coelho, which rang true to the paganhorsegirl as she exists at 15:54 on the 24^th May 2010. I try to live my life with the empathy and authenticity that these quotes promote, and, despite all the change that lies ahead, hopefully these ideals will continue to stick in some form or another.

No one knows the consequences of his own cruelty

The cup of suffering is not the same size for everyone

A Warrior does not try to appear one way or another.

And finally:

You can recognise a Warrior of the Light by the look in his eye. Warriors of the Light are in the world, they form part of the world, and they were sent into the world without saddlebags or sandals. They are often cowardly. They do not always act correctly. Warriors of the Light are wounded by the most foolish things, they worry about trivialities, they believe themselves incapable of growing. Warriors of the Light sometimes believe themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle. Warriors of the Light often ask themselves what they are doing here. Often they find their lives meaningless.

That is why they are Warriors of the Light. Because they fail. Because they ask questions. Because they keep looking for a meaning. And in the end, they will find it.

This last passage I dedicate to Thermetics, a true Warrior of the Light, who fights the Good Fight with admirable humility, sensitivity, and a cracking sense of humour.