Blimey, we are on a blogging fanaticism at the moment! Still, this is a good thing I think, I would rather be doing this than sat in front of Jeremy Kyle anyway. And when you are not working, that is a very very easy trap to fall into!
This post is a little random I’m afraid dear readers, more me exercising my ability to realise what is going on only after I’ve sat and talked it out / typed it out (the cat is hardly a good contributor to these internal dilemmas).
Anyhoo, a little context would help here me thinks.
Now, I’ve always been a light sleeper. Often in order to help get myself to sleep, I have a little daydream, generally set in some fantastical world where I am beautiful, powerful, and loved by a score of amazingly good looking and emotionally tortured men (make of this what you will). Lately such pre sleeping day dreams have been based around my dear friend Dragon Age, the computer game that I wrote about a few weeks back. And yes, they have involved the two pixelated lovelies fawning at my feet and obeying my every command.
So, during said day dream I was having a conversation with another certain pixelated lovely from the game, about who I would choose as my husband; delicious elven assassin, or gorgeous hunk of stuff templar. I actually uttered the sentence “I want both of them” (Of course I did, this is a dream!) And what happened next was a little....odd.
I was instantly transported with a whacking great thud to the present, feeling utterly wretched over my ex boss! Now, I walked out of my job a little while back, and received a snotty letter from said ex boss stating that he had gone through me personal emails and had found all sorts of incriminating evidence in their about my attitude and how I spent my time. Naturally I was fairly moritified; I felt very stupid and embarrassed, but overall it really didn’t matter. I couldn’t care less about what he thought of me; he is a nasty, selfish, evil piece of work who treats all of his employees terribly and I hate the fact that I lost 2 years of my working life to his little slave trade that he’s got going on. I just felt foolish for being caught out.
But there I was, practically in tears, feeling so so awful about this letter. Now, I know I have issues with authority, particularly male authority figures. Having someone who was liable to pick you up by various body parts and hoof you into a wall will do that to you. I used to work at a riding stables, where the proprietor was basically the very worst of my mother mixed with step dad. I didn't last long, and also spent a fair while afterwards feeling like I had failed him, that I wasn’t good enough, usual blah blah. This individual appears to have no effect on me anymore. No longer do I replay conversations with him where I would have said or done things differently rather than simply nodded dumbly and then ran into a corner. Nor do I conjure up fantasies where I was able to show him up or receive praise from him. So, maybe we are simply going through the same motions with my ex boss, and this will fade? Most likely.
But why did a fantasy about wanting two men turn into self loathing over my work ethic at this company? This is what I cannot get my head around. Is it the admission of wanting something that is ‘wrong’ and I behaved poorly at work? Is it the admission of wanting my cake and eating it? , which in all honesty I did at work (I didn’t work very hard, I don’t if it is made clear that I am a nothing). Is it that I felt guilty in the daydream for wanting two men, which manifested itself as guilt over the nasty emails that I had written?
I’m sure it has something to do with authority, as the feeling in my stomach was very very similar to that when I feel I have upset my parents. I hate being told off, I can’t cope with it. I instantly revert to exposing my underbelly and bleating “yes, yes I deserve all the punishment you can dish out!” And wallowing in self hatred over my behaviour, regardless of whether or not it was justified (which in the case of my ex boss, it most certainly was!) I do have this fairly ingrained mechanism which states that anyone who is older than me has the right to beat me with a big stick. I can hold my own very well with my peers, but anyone above the age of 40 and I turn into a gibbering looser.
Or maybe, “I want both of them” triggered off some reference in my little brain about wanting to be liked by everyone?
Yesssss, that makes sense. Maybe this was an exposure of how I hate to be disliked? My desire for popularity and acceptance? And my ex boss is the most recent rejection? Which triggered off the whole “Oh my god I got told off I’m a terrible individual” blah....
Hmmm, I’m not getting the weight loss feeling that I normally get with an epiphany, maybe this needs more exploration.
If anyone has any ideas, please tell me J I need all the help I can get!
Anyhow, I wanted to tip my hat to another blogger on the scene, Fire Lyte and his frankly excellent blog Inciting a Riot http://www.incitingariot.com/ .
I wrote this post after smiling broadly at his post concerning Respecting your Elders, which seems even more apt now I have semi worked out what is going on.
I do love this guy’s work, he also writes a number of interesting and well thought out articles on the Witch Vox website. His arguments, whilst not always concise and often served with a touch of arrogance, are nonetheless very intelligent and thought provoking. Unlike a lot of bloggers (including myself, rather shamefully as I am a scientist) he actually researches his posts thoroughly, and he is an excellent source of information on a huge variety of topics. Go check him out, he is very very good.
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