Trying Too Hard

I have recently started Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist by Stephen Batchelor. I love this man's works, and although I am only on chapter 4, his words have already inspired me.

It is an account of his time as a Tibetan Buddhist monk, and so far has introduced his entry into the tradition and the struggles that he faced over the first few years.

Within these pages he introduces the reader to the Buddhist doctrine of emptiness. This doctrine promotes the idea that the self does not exist as an object that can be defined and isolated. That you can search for it, but in the end, you will not find any 'thing' that corresponds to it.

A further comment that brings this idea home is that the person is nothing but a fleeting configuration of the fugitive elements of the body and mind; that there is nothing substantial to it, nothing enduring, nothing constant.

But the wisest words were within Batchelor's admission; that this doctrine of emptiness had no impact upon his experience of being himself.

Personal experience cannot occur without the contribution of the ego. The ego has been portrayed in many different ways by various spiritual paths, often with negative connotations. The ego is the sense of 'I'. It is that which interacts with the conscious world, and its creation begins from the moment of birth. Our egos are how we define ourselves; it is a culmination of labels, personality traits, appealing ideas, concepts and memories that jumble together to form who we 'think' we are and who we want to be. The ego is our identity. It is the mask that we portray to the outside world, and it is what we use to interact with that world.

I think all too often, those of us who follow a path become trapped in the idea of extricating ourselves from our ego, as the ego is often portrayed by spiritual teachings as being a bad thing, something negative that needs to be risen above. It is described as a wily, tricksy part of ourselves. It is the part that prevents us from bettering ourselves and acquiring a true understanding of the world.

Now, it is true, that there are a lot of stupid and nasty people out there who are total slaves to their egos. Today's society which promotes very rigid and narrow ideas of what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' has resulted in a lot of 'keeping up with the Jones' type behaviour and a real deep seated fear of being viewed as 'not fitting in'. This is the negative side of the ego.

Conscious experience, which creates the ego, teaches us that by following the rules of society we get a more positive response from others, which in turn placates the ego and fuels this fear and materialistic viewpoint. I see it as a kind of positive feedback loop. Have blond hair and big tits = lots of nice attention = feel good = want blonder hair and bigger tits. Very simple I know, but, you get the idea. It can also go the other way. Have a shaven head and tattoos = everybody stares and points = feel terrible but defiant, and so rebel = get more tattoos. This loop fixes the ego. We create our identity that generates a response from others and view it as permanent, non changing, the 'core' of what we are. We therefore disable our ability to adapt and respond to our every changing environment and relationships. Out of this handicapped view of life, neurosis develops, and we get into a whole lot of trouble.

The ego is supposedly self serving. It is 'me' and 'I' focused. But, without the ego, I personally feel that we bury a significant part of what makes us alive, the ability to feel emotion. Emotions add substance, they make experiences tangible and give them meaning rather than just being a collection of sensory inputs. The contribute hugely to all facets of life, from what restaurant we choose to eat at to whether or not we get married and have children. We are nothing, without our emotions.

The ability to feel empathy is a great thing, and Buddhism decrees that genuine empathy can only be felt once the Buddhist sees how inextricably enmeshed within the fabric of the world they really are. This involves dissociation from the ego, that which is self preserving and views itself as separate from others. Only through realising that the self is 'empty', can we achieve empathy.

Now, maybe I am going down roads that I totally lack the understanding for here, but, feeling empathy involves the ability to understand another's pain and relate to it. Pain involves emotions such as anger, despair, sadness, heartache. Those times when you kick and scream and swear and the sheer unfairness of it all. 'WHY ME!' kinda stuff. These are selfish thoughts, and such thoughts come from the ego. If you remove yourself from suffering and pain, I cannot see how you in a position to genuinely empathise with another's beyond a level of intellectual understanding boosted by good people skills. You will empathise simply to prove to yourself (and ironically it will be the ego part that will be consoled by doing this) that you are capable of empathy.

We expend so much energy trying to get away from our egos that we forget the joy they can bring us. I can;t imagine ever denying myself the guilty pleasure of pinching one more chocolate from the box than I am allowed, or ignoring the phone because I've had a hard day and you know what you can wait half an hour while I have a cuppa. And what about sex! Sex is purely ego based, and I am sure that many of you will agree that a good orgasm is the cure for a whole multitude of ills. Yes, these are all primal, physical, even simple needs that great spiritual masters would most likely dismiss as 'lower, insignificant thoughts' or some such. But they give us a break. They allow us to just 'be' for a moment. Just to exist as an ordinary, run of the mill human being on occasion. And for most of us, that is what life is about - being a human being.

I fear that, whilst with the best of intentions, texts that promote spirituality alienate ourselves from the 'dirty' parts. No body is perfect, but we seem to spend a lot of energy trying to be so. We hide from our darker, more primal selves, rather than embracing these aspects of our psyche and incorporating them compassionately into our outlook on life. We therefore fail to fully realise all that we are and all that we are capable of. We also run the risk of turning ourselves into ticking time bombs. To deny the ego is, in my opinion, a form of potentially dangerous repressive behaviour. We all know what happened when priests couldn't quite live up to their vows. And how about the housewife whom everybody thought was so sweet and nice, till she went pop one day and decapitated her husband and 2.4 children.

But then, maybe I'm missing the point. If I am, then I'm quite happy to never be 'enlightened.' Yes I know that our egos cause us a lot of problems, and a lot of evil is committed in this world in the name of self preservation. But, we who call ourselves spiritual, are also simply adding another label to our egos. Its no different to company director, martyr, 'rich' or hooker. And we 'boost' our ego because we convince ourselves that we are different, maybe even better, because we are spiritual. I don't really think you can live life without involving your ego at some level, and anyone who says you can is just trying to hide from the shame that we all feel because we can't be perfect.

We have evolved over millions of years to have this wonderfully complex psyche. To deny part of it is to deny who we REALLY are. I believe true enlightenment comes with total understanding our ourselves, warts and all, and the ability to enjoy and work with all those wonderful aspects of ourselves to enrich and full-fill our lives and the lives of others.

The ego can be very dangerous, and yes it can be all consuming, but we can go too far the other way also. If we increase our understanding of ourselves, we can keep the negative aspects of our ego in check, and enjoy rather than fear what it has to offer.

NB I know this is a little confused, and does by no means cover all aspects of ego, identity, and its roles in both secular and spiritual mindsets. But, this is a blog, I'm trying to be succinct, and I didn't even manage that :-)

Back to Basics

Sometimes, things just come together and slow down a little don’t they. I like it when this happens.

I have realised in the past couple of days, that since my last hissy fit which I exposed all you poor people to, I have really shut down.

My spirituality (so to speak) has become next to non existent. I cannot remember the last time I did a proper meditation, and every book I pick up in an attempt to increase my insight and expose myself to knew ideas has been discarded in favour of a fluffy bunny historical novel.

This realisation was brought about by the choice of topics that my dear brother in law has posted about in his blog Mind of Miracles. He mentioned that in the past his spiritual practice was mainly reading with the odd meditation. My practice is also very much like this, but in the past, I used to do a lot of active meditation. This is the process of opening up your awareness throughout everyday tasks, by focusing on where in space and time each part of your body is, and the sensations that it is experiencing. It allows you to fully tune into your environment, by heightening the senses and in turn sharpening the mind to all experiences. I would try to do this as often as I could, and it really allowed me to live within the moment. Suddenly whether or not you were going to be a little late for that doctor’s appointment really didn’t matter.

I don’t do this anymore, and I miss it so much.

Secondly, he discussed the idea of impermanence. I have a strong belief in impermanence which has helped me immensely in overcoming dangerous and negative behavioural patterns and though processes that have become embedded in my psyche. It has contributed greatly to my current world view, and has helped define the person that I am today. Unfortunately, recent events has made me realise just how much I continue to resist the fact of impermanence.

I have always tried to embrace the pain with the joy. I don’t really believe in terms such as ‘happiness’ or ‘successful’ as the English language uses such terms to imply a static state; they are goals in life, ‘things’ to be attained. Being static means that you don’t learn anymore. My one goal in life is too continue learning, so I try to never be static and always try to see all things from all angles, and view all situations as they are; ever changing and ever evolving.

This mindset appears to have gone by the wayside of late. I mentioned my friend who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder in a previous post. Well, yet again, I walked straight into that one didn’t I. Again, all the old fears came charging back, as a result of his indifference. I’m not good enough. I have also been a writing demon of late, and really enjoying it. BUT, I decided to try and publish my stuff online on various websites. Do I get any comments? Any feedback from anyone? Do I heck, no different to millions of others who get ignored. I’m not good enough.
So, the insecurity is already setting in. I continue trying with the friend, keep posting work that really isn;t that terrible on the net. All to no avail. Work throws it’s two penneth in; constant in fighting results in a terrible working environment not to mention my closest companion there is very similar in his behaviour to said friend with personality disorder. Insecurity levels ri-sing.......
And what do I do about all this? I turn my back on it! I ignore it! This doesn’t work! I know that this doesn’t work! Last night I was busy going through all my many past mistakes that had made me feel shame, and i sat with it. I let each memory takes its course, I acknowledged it, I let it go on its way. It will come back I’m sure, but for now, it has been dealt with in a compassionate and understanding manner.

And surprise surprise I felt a lot better.

Ignoring your problems fixes them in your psyche. It gives them no where to go. In my opinion, the message of impermanence is no more important than when trying to deal with negative thoughts about yourself especially when they are strongly connected to your past. By linking what is happening today with what happened in my past, I have successfully engorged I am not good enough to such a huge size that I can no longer process it in a sensible manner. Instead, I obsess over the internet sites I am published on checking every five minutes for some feedback, and I am hiding in my house so I don’t have to interact with anyone incase they say something I don’t want to hear.

I hope to get a handle on this soon, but feelings of helplessness get to us all sometimes. Still, I know one thing for a fact. It won’t last forever

The Wonder that is......

DRAGON AGE!!


Looooooooooooook




Aren't they just THE most perfect example of masculine pixels ever to be displayed in high resolution!

The templar outfit is already ordered! And the husky dulcet tones of "I am yours" and "Ti amor" reverberate through our home on a more than necessary basis. All I need now is a velvety red rose kept pristine by the addition of apostate magics and I'm there!

None of this will make any sense if you have not played the game of course, but as I have no shame when it comes to product placement, I can only encourage you to go and buy it!

It is awesome. Buggy, unbalanced, and some of the results from the dialogue options make no sense whatsoever, but if you are a total romantic then you will not be able to help but go SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE at our adorable heroes as the game progresses(the women are pretty fit as well!)

The game is written like a good book, with a level of sophistication to the dialogue that really draws you in and has you adventuring along with your companions. I have gotten a little obsessed it has to be said, but I am aware of this! and am using this awareness as justification to continue with the playthroughs and waste money on the downloadable content (I am currently on my third go of the game.... yay!) I'm having fun, and right now I need fun :)

My obsession has spread to the extent that I have joined the great unwashed in the realms of fanfiction! Its called "Futures Untoward" and can be found at fanfiction.net. under the dragon age category.

For total escapism, you can't beat this game in my opinion. It transports you to another world full of heroism, monsters, love and excitement! Perfect for a grey Sunday afternoon (although I have cake on the way, which is definitely a cause for celebration!)

So go buy and enjoy! :-)

Mixed up stuffs

"Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape!"

Oh, if only it was that easy!

Please forgive the potentially self pitying and confused tone of this post. I never aim to come across as wanting attention, but the point of this blog is partially to be a healing space. Therefore, I reserve the right to scream here as and when I need to. Who knows, maybe someone else will find the words one day and realise they aren't alone.

Two things have been plaguing me of late. 1) My general 'goodness' as a person (ie am I a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good grandaughter) and 2) my all consuming fear of what I can't control, notably death.

I was an alcoholic throughout my late teens and early twenties, until about 2 1/2 years ago. During my time on the sauce, I had a friend who also had a number of mental health and substance abuse issues. We used each other as a crutch, sharing in each others delerium, one desperately seeking unconditional love and the other wanting, well I'm not sure to this day what he wanted in all honesty.
I got in touch with him recently, we hadn't spoken in two years. I walked away as I couldn't hack the indifference that I received from him. I discovered that he has been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and will be put into a protected apartment.

I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut.
How could I let this happen my head screamed. Why did I walk away? Why didn't I stay? Oh god am I going to be able to do this? Am I going to make it worse? Am I going to ruin his chances of ever getting better? Can he get better? I am such a terrible terrible friend, I should have stayed etc etc etc
Now, I've always struggled with this guy. I love him dearly, but, he's been the one person that I've never know what to do with. I could never influence anything about him, and as a result, he has the ability to turn me to dust. I simply had nothing to offer that he wanted, I felt effectively invisible.

Being invisible has always been a big problem for me. Lately I've managed to get a handle on it as I realised that I have never actually lived for me. I've always lived attempting to please others. Problem was, I was no good at this because no one taught me the rules of being a social person when I was a kid. All I was taught was to be scared of anyone older than you were, coz they knew best, and if you didn't do what they said you'd be humiliated, screamed at, possibly thrown across the room. Also, they boundaries changed every hour or so. What was 'what a good girl was supposed to do' on a Monday, would get you icy glares and silent treatment on a Wednesday.
Needless to say, I was hopeless at forming relationships. I was resentful, angry, scared, and automatically expected to get hurt. And a lot of the time I did. I needed far too much, from everyone, but I had no idea what it was I needed because I had no idea of who I was. I know now that what I needed was for someone to make me stop hating myself. Any sense of self that I have appeared about 3 months ago, literally. 26 stinking years spent not knowing that I was person in my own right! That I have the right to voice my emotions, my joys, my fears, my wants, just as much as anyone else! That I am not here purely for other people's convenience!

But of course, this is not an easy habit to break. As soon as any of my family members come running I revert back to that little girl who just wanted to be told she'd done good. Truth be told that all I want now still, problem is even when I get told I don't hear it, coz mum never said it, and no one else saying it seems to be good enough..... thats gonna be a tough cookie to crack.

Grandad is being priceless at the moment. He won't allow Nana to go on any medication even though she is now at the stage where she is lashing out at all the staff, wondering around at night, and incontinent. I'm so terrified this is going to happen to me. I don't want to get old, I don't want to die from old age or anything associated with old age. If someone told me at 40something, your dying from liver failure, thats fine. That i can deal with. Cancer, heart failure, anything that I have caused, thats fine. Its my own fault, if I hadn't smoked and drunk myself silly for 8 years then it might not have happened. Even if I get mowed down by a bus, thats fine too. I should have looked where I was going. The thought of just ebbing away, and knowing that I'm ebbing away, in pain, confused, nah, can't handle. Where's the plan B! with death there is no plan B, its a one way street. I did a wildlife survey with a 72 year old today. He was a lovely man. But he needed help getting up and down the slopes, and I could see that he was embarrassed and in pain. I DON'T WANT THAT! I'm not spending my bloody life fighting for some sense of balanced outlook only to end up like that! And it is going to be a lifelong fight, I'm not daft. Soon as I think I've sorted out one thing something else bloody happens and more crap gets dug up. Some of it I didn't even realise it was there! Let alone what to do about it!

I need a drink.......

Poetry Corner

This is my favourite latest creation, its called Fleeting Hearts

If you pause
For the briefest of moments
You can watch the fleeting hearts pass by
On gossamer wings
And silver strings
That flutter and float awry

They sing their songs
And shed their tears
Such sorrow they dare to unfurl
As empty as void
As fleeting as fey
Yet they hold the key to your world

As night draws on
And time seems to pause
You realise the ultimate lie
With fleeting hearts
Their grace is but brief
And were never
Yours nor mine

Feeling Grateful

Hello everyone. Apologies for the disappearing act, a lot has gone on that I may one day explain, but not right now.

I wanted to write a post on gratitude, as I personally think that being grateful is something that us humans aren't very good at but that it is a vital part of growing as a person.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't always easy. I am as selfish as the next, and in many ways far more bitter and twisted. Recent realisations regarding how my upbringing has imposed severe limitations upon me that I had no say in, and have really contributed to a whole lot of f**k ups that I have commited, do not help in any attempts to fully appreciate what you have.

But to be truly grateful opens your eyes in so many ways. I follow the Buddhist viewpoint that life is essentially suffering, and that in order to live, we must suffer. It is not a bed of thornless roses,its bloody hard work, with a lot of blood, sweat and tears involved.
But it teaches you so much. To live with pain is to learn and love. If you sit with pain, if you talk with it and engage with it, learn to accept it, you no longer focus on it. Instead, rather than being this great big rock of resistence that you kick and pound until the blood runs in rivulets from your torn fists, it becomes lighter. It becomes part of you, it, this is really hard to explain....it sort of sinks into your body. You become one with it.

And if you can achieve this, even for just brief moments, you realise what else surrounds you apart from that pain. You feel joy at very simple things. The warmth of sun of your face, holding your lover's hand, the freedom of a bird singing with all its might from a tree top.
And you feel very grateful that these things exist.

Such gratitude bourn from pain opens your awareness, it allows you to engages more fully with your environment and also with other people. Your ability to empathise grows, and you are able to see far clearer what you have in front of you.
I have a number of blogs that I follow written by fellow daughters of narcissists. One poor soul has had a lot of drama to deal with recently, and she wrote a post detailing her memories of her treatment at the hands of her stepfather. Her situation was far worse than mine, my stepfather was a couple of scales down in the abusive ranks, and my situation today is also far preferable as my mother is simply indifferent to me now rather than using me for her narcissistic supply. Awful as this sounds, I felt very lucky to have had the upbringing that I have had, as this lady's story made it very clear just how much worse things could be.

I think this is something a lot of people fail to realise. Whilst it is true that the cup of suffering is not the same size for everybody, some people really do just whine when they have no right to. Things can always be an awful lot worse. By learning to be grateful, you can take what you have, however broken and tarnished, and turn it into someting beautiful, because you know that this world is full of light as well as dark.

This isn't a state that you can maintain all the time. I rail at the unfairness of it all far too often, but it is important to remember that we are not owed anything in this life. Life is what we make of it, and how can we live it to its fullest if we do not see and appreciate all that is around us. To find peace requires compassion and understanding of both ourselves and others, and I dont think that this can be acheived without gratitude. Gratitude makes us want to fully give of ourselves and interact with the world, it stops us from being insular and turning into ourselves. When we do this, and we dont like what we see, then the problems start.
We get entangled in our web of self loathing, and become bitter and hateful of those who we feel should be making it better. If we could all be a little more grateful, we would all feel a little lighter, and all be able to give a little bit of good back to the world as a result.

Being Pagan

My discovery of paganism has played a huge role in my spiritual growth and healing over the past year, and so I wanted to make a post about what being a Pagan means to me and how I follow this path in relation to commonly accepted ideas on Paganism. This is not intended to be a fully fledged, researched essay on all aspects of Pagan thought. There are gaps and I am aware of this. This is simply a summary of what constitutes my Pagan path.

Paganism is a hugely varied and eclectic path, and as a result pretty much anything goes. Many pagans struggle with this as it makes it difficult to explain their beliefs and ideals to others. Beyond “revere the earth” there isn’t any real hard and fast rule. There are a number of particular branches of paganism. These include Wicca, Druidism, Heathenry and Shamanism. I personally do not belong to any of these traditions, although I continue to research as much information as I can about them and indeed any other strains of pagan thought. Being bound by the rules imposed by such groups, being told what to believe and how to live my beliefs, doesn’t gel with me. But I do encourage anyone who feels out of touch with the world to investigate Paganism, as it is a very open and welcoming spiritual path with a whole array of solutions to your spiritual aches and pains should you put the work in.

Lets start with the definition of a pagan as stated by The Pagan Federation. A pagan is a follower of a polytheistic or pantheistic nature-worshipping religion.
Na, this isn’t me. I do not follow or worship anything, nor am I religious. I’m very spiritual, but I am not religious. I follow my own creed and conduct, and I am not about to place responsibility for my actions on a deity, sprite, or any other ethereal being (that may or may not exist) who is trying to mind its own business. I follow the basic rules required to be a decent human being, and I do this better than most religious people I have come across, and that’s good enough for me.

If I was to attach a label to my beliefs as a pagan, I suppose they would most closely echo the belief statement of the World Pantheistic Movement http://www.pantheism.net/manifest.htm. I revere the earth as my sacred home within the cosmos, and do not imbue the cosmos with any form of consciousness. I do not believe that the cosmos thinks and feels as I do. I believe its is a bunch of rocks and gas, although an amazing, highly important and fascinating bunch of rocks and gas. My belief system is bound within scientific thought. I am a scientist by trade (or will be soon, yay!) and it is the theories and ideas generated within science that I deem to be the closest thing we have to reality at the moment, although there is no ‘scientific proof’ for what I am about to state as my belief system. An oxymoron I know, but I justify this with the following. Just because there is no proof now, does not mean that science will not prove it in the future. Once upon a time germs spontaneously generated out of nothing and the world was flat. What is magic now can be tomorrow’s scientific discovery.

So, what do I believe? I view the earth and all that lies within it as a whole, a wondrous natural machine that is all carefully interlinked and full of connections and communications. All organic matter (that is, from the earth and not man made) hums and thrums with the energies and rhythms of life. If you practice active meditation, you can feel this energy. Its like a caress on your skin, and makes you all tingly. It’s a lovely feeling. It is this energy that connects all living things. As an integral part of nature, living within it and not apart from it, I feel it is my duty as a more evolved life form, to help preserve the earth and all it contains. Even if it wasn’t my duty, evolution has created so many wondrous designs, colours, bodyshapes and life strategies that are simply amazing, how could I not want to help protect them? So, I eat organic food, support local farmers, support conservation groups, am training to be a conservationist, try and reduce my carbon footprint, and love sinking my hands into rich fertile soil. My paganism is more the practical version, I try to make a physical difference to the earth with my behaviours and actions. Nature fascinates me, it supports me, it enriches and enlivens me. It is most definitely worth tipping my hat to, but I do not worship it. I do not view the earth as above me or bigger than me. It is part of the cosmos, just as I am, all linked by the same natural energies. I to am a wondrous result of millions of years or evolution. So, the earth does not need me to bow to it, but it certainly deserves a lot of respect. At the end of the day, no earth = no paganhorsegirl, and that sucks!

What about deity? Nearly all branches of Pagan tradition involve the worship of deities of some sort, with particular focus on the Goddess. Some practitioners follow a single pantheon, others pick and choose deities from a range. Some view the Gods and Goddesses as literal beings, others view them as aspects of the one God and Goddess, and others still view them as archetypes. I am of this final persuasion.
For me, deity and divinity are religious concepts grounded in superstition and dogma, grounded in the need for humans to not realise their full potential and therefore take full responsibility for their actions in this world. The number of times you see stories about people who suddenly become eco warriors or dash off to Africa to save the children because of some divine intervention. Please, you just suddenly realised what a selfish little s**t you were and felt guilty.

Anyway. Wikipedia defines archetype as a generic form of personality, for example a mother or a warrior. The idea of archetypes was most readily promoted by Carl Jung (one of my favouritist people ever!). Jung’s archetypes were psychological organs that arose via evolution, and are limitless in their scope. There are a number of main recurring archetypes, and these include the Child, the Hero, the Mother and the Sage. They reside within our unconscious, and become actualised through myth, symbolism, dreams and behaviours. If you look into this further, we basically created the Gods. Hercules – the epitamy of a strong and noble hero. In Celtic mythology, Danu exists as the great Mother. Should you wish to delve into their individual personalities and stories, it is clear (to me in any case) that all Gods and Goddesses exist as an archetypal construct, they all represent an aspect of the human psyche at some level. As psychological products of evolution, the archetypes exist within us all within the collective unconscious. In Jung’s words: “there exists a second psychic system of a collective, universal, and impersonal nature which is identical in all individuals. This collective unconscious does not develop individually but is inherited. It consists of pre-existent forms, the archetypes, which can only become conscious secondarily and which give definite form to certain psychic contents.”

There are considerable parallels between the different pantheons, between cultures with vast expanses of physical distance between them. This alone is evidence for me of a collective unconscious, that myths and deities that actualise the archetypes are created and given life by humans are given life by humans. We do this to fulfil basic psychological needs, to fulfil the need for a Mother or Hero. Myth provides us with faces, with personalities for us to interact with, so we can ‘talk’ with our unconscious self and learn from the collective on a level that we understand. Myth makes archetype tangible. I engage as often as I can with what I call my higher self, both through active and traditional forms of meditation. I have a number of figures who I see and discuss matters with. My primary ‘guardian angel’ looks like I used to in darker days, but she is very wise, and terribly droll. She is the one who raises her eyebrow at me and, in her gentle albeit condescending manner, walks me through what im doing wrong and what I should be doing. I also talk with Pan, and have a horse called Taffy who is my transport.
Religion also makes archetype more ‘real’, but it creates something that is outside of us, not within us. It teaches that rather than working with, we should be working for. It does not acknowledge our own power and potential as human beings which can be achieved the more we learn about ourselves from both our personal and collective, but rather dictates, controls, and oppresses any sense of learning or creative thinking.

Magic is another facet of organised Paganism that attracts people to this path. It us unfortunately, the primary attraction for most. I don’t practice magic. I’m terrible at it, and I’m terrible at it because I don’t feel comfortable with manipulating natural energies for my own ends. I personally think that magic should be the ultimate last resort. We don’t understand enough about the world to intelligently and safely start mucking around with natural balances and to divert energy to places it has no right in being. We have no idea what backlash could result from magical activity, and in this case I refer to spell casting. I do practice divination, herbalism and crystal healing, and in all honesty I have no idea if these activities have a negative backlash. I do my best to be responsible, and only employ the use of natural energies to enhance what I have already begun within myself rather than to induce the change. So, whilst a believer of magic, I don’t cast spells in the traditional kitchen witch sense, nor do I practice high magic rituals (which I do believe are little more than mumbo jumbo, just my opinion, not truth, get back in your pram). I use oils, herbs and rocks to help me re balance, re centre, and understand my emotions. Other than that, I do a lot of thinking, which I personally believe is the highest form of magical power available.